My title is a bit harsh, but the emotions I experience beg for it to be so.

Most of the time I feel like I don’t have any friends. I’m a 37 year old mother with a handful of kids. I have several ‘acquaintances’ through my church, but the friends I really want to be spending time with live in other states.

My husband and I don’t have immediate family where we live and I’m always questioning why we live where we do and I have this belief that life will be better if we could just move.

When it comes down to it, most of the time, I am okay with not having friends. I’m not a social person. But, I am human, and about once every month (or sometimes longer) I really just want to go out with some girls or I wish I had a best friend I could call for coffee and really have some deep conversations with.

Recently I invited an ‘acquaintance’ to come swimming with us and I was turned down. For some reason it was like the last straw for me. It seems like every time I finally reach out to someone, I get rejected. And it hurts.

I thought about this a lot, and I thought that I wanted to feel hurt when someone rejected me because I am a compassionate person. I didn’t understand why I would want to keep experiencing this hurt. It seems much better to stop asking people to hang out. Stay in the cave.

But then I thought, who would I be if I didn’t get hurt? Initially, I thought I would be some cocky version of me, but maybe I would actually be more confident. It’s hard to believe that.

So what if she doesn’t want to come over. It hurts. I want to be willing to feel any emotion. I don’t like feeling so vulnerable. Even if I like to stay home and do my own thing 90% of the time, I still want friends.

I think this must be a principle of life or something. I like me when I’m alone or when I’m with my family, but as soon as I’m around everyone else I feel like I’m waiting to be accepted by them. I’m 37 and I still haven’t felt that. How can I be so confident at home and love my life everyday until Sunday when I go to church? The fact that it bothers me so much is a huge indicator that I need to work on it.

My brain has told me my whole life that other people just aren’t worth it. They don’t get me. But am I indulging in this emotion? Because I kind of want it to hurt that I don’t have any close friends. I need to learn how to invite someone over but not make it mean anything if they don’t want to come.

Any thoughts on this will be much appreciated.