Getting under 200lbs

I committed to be under 200lbs by 1/12 and I did it bc I told you I would. But then I went on a week bender and have been playing crazy grab ass. I’m back up to 205/206. I’ll have a few days and get back too 200, but I feel so stuck. I did some models and there are two issues at play:

1. The first 50lbs lost I really thought were just for me, but I think to a certain degree I was still in people pleasing mode and trying to be a good SOM student.

2. I’m making being under 200lbs mean a whole lot more than it does. I’m making it mean I’m getting closer to having it all and something bad will surely happen bc I keep thinking… not one person can really have it all some suffering is required. So I’ve creates the suffering in the form of self sabotage. I desperately want to change this thought but nothing else seems true or believable