Going blank?

Mostly I’m doing really great with stopping OD. Mostly I don’t even think about wine in the evenings any more.

But occasionally sometimes still something will happen, and it throws me, and I go into “f– it” mode. I am getting better at seeing the connections between something happening and my brain going into a tailspin, but when I try to get curious about what I’m feeling, the only thing I feel in those moments is “f– it, I’m having wine even though it’s not on my protocol.” So the only thing I feel myself feeing is “I don’t care right now.”

I can’t seem to access whatever other feelings are there, and so far I am only able to reign in the “f– it” behavior in some of the time. The urge jar has actually helped! I’m getting better at noticing and staying aware at least of what I’m doing. I can sometimes even SEE why I am in distress–someone said Y, or I didn’t manage to do X–but I can also see that I shut down emotionally and have no idea what my feelings are when I get that upset.

It’s weird, because I’m usually good at feeling my feelings. Any advice on how to hack into this and find a workaround? I have tried writing and thought downloads afterwards, but in those moments, “f– it” also applies to doing thought downloads . . .