Guilt about severing the relationship between my ex-husband and our daughter

My ex-husband started using meth while we were married. He started hitting and kicking one of my sons (I have 2 sons from previous marriage). At the time our daughter was 20 months old. When I told my husband he had to move out of my house (I owned it solely) and that I was filing for divorce, he made several threats.

One threat was to “burn down the house, I don’t care who’s in it”. A week later my fire alarm went off at 3am.

My car was shot at & damaged with a BB gun. I don’t have evidence as to who did it.

The window of my house was also shot & shattered with a BB gun. I don’t have evidence who did it.

We started with shared custody of my daughter. During his visits he would leave her unattended in hotel rooms with new women he just met that week.

During court ordered weekly phone calls he would say statements such as “you’re damaging our daughter by keeping her away from me”. He also continued to say my son was lying about the physical abuse and that I was being manipulated. He also had his new girlfriends email me or call me repeatedly to tell me how I was damaging the relationship between my daughter and her dad.

He ended up getting arrested and put in jail for outstanding warrants. All communication with him, his girlfriends and his family stopped.

The 2 years he was away felt so much easier, free and safe for me and my kids.

When he got out of jail, he started the phone calls again. I decided I wanted to have him permanently out of our lives for our own mental and physical safety.

I went back to the courts to change the custody and communication agreements. I leveraged the fact that my daughter has autism. I manipulated the system, the mental roadblocks I knew he had, and used the law to my favor. I created ways that he could restore joint custody, knowing he would never follow the rules.

It has been 7 years. I still feel guilt. He contacted me several times asking me to not enforce the rules of the court order. I held firm to the rules of the court order and expressed (insincere) sympathy for him. He started saying again that I was damaging their relationship and damaging my daughter’s mental health by denying her a relationship with him. He had made other death threats to me while we were married. He shared that he had attempted to murder his previous wife. He shared that he had participated in a murder of somebody else with other people. And he shared that he has connections with hells angels. This man’s life and history are so outside of my upbringing (law abiding, no drugs, professional, college educated, white collar). So, I carry this extra fear to this day that he will try to murder me. I have a trauma response when I see other men that look like him.

We don’t talk about him in my house. I’m remarried. My current husband and 1st husband both treat my daughter very well. So, she has 2 loving non-biological dads in her life.

I moved and changed my phone number a year ago. I violated part of the court order that says I need to give him the new phone number and address.

When I created my online presence for my coaching business, I tried to put safe gards in place so he didn’t know exactly where we were located. My current husband didn’t.

My ex sent me a message asking how I liked my new town, naming it specifically.

I have guilt & fear when it comes to my ex-husband. It would be easy to hide. But, having a coaching business, I am out in the open.

#1 I want to feel safe about coaching out in the open where this man can see me and reach out to me.

#2 I want to feel at peace with my court order and how I made it happen.

#3 I want to be at peace with my daughter not having him around.