Guilt and dishonesty

Hi Brooke,

My husband and I separated almost a year ago, however we have been trying to reconcile since last fall, attending marriage counselling etc. At the time I entered into the process of trying to work on our marriage, my heart was fully engaged and I was committed to giving “us” another chance. He is also my business partner in a company that I founded 4 years ago. Without going into detail, I made the difficult decision to leave the company for my own good (mostly financial reasons), in October and agreed to sell my shares to his daughter. It’s been extremely complicated and drawn out. When I agreed to the offer which was highly advantageous to her given that she is getting the shares for a fraction of their value, I did not anticipate that it would take up until now to get the deal done. It was one of the reasons I agreed to it in the first place.

Somewhere during this protracted process (around Xmas), it became clear to me that I did not want to continue in my relationship with my husband, however I have been “going through the motions” just to not rock the boat, in the hopes that he would remain neutral as we hashed out a deal vs. him working against me in the interests of his daughter. I am in a very vulnerable position financially, having not drawn a salary for more than a year (due to some unexpected performance issues in a new store we opened) and now living on my own with zero spousal support etc.. I need to find gainful employment asap. It breaks my heart to walk away from the brand I poured my heart, life and life savings into but I know I am capable of rebuilding and recreating something wonderful again.. so it’s all for the best. And it’s my Epic goal for 2018 on top of it, so it’s a done deal 🙂

All this to say, I am trying to reconcile with essentially being dishonest about my feelings for him for quite some time now in order to protect my own personal interests. I got a taste for what he is capable of when I left him back in May (I basically left with nothing) and have been basing my decisions and actions since then on not taking any chances and having my own back. Nonetheless, no matter how I try to justify, I have huge guilt. The deal will be closing hopefully by next week, finally, and I just want to move on. I’m so torn up inside about having to face up to him with the truth that I’ve been basically living a lie just to protect myself. I know it’s going to break his heart and I’m sure it’s going to be clear how this whole thing has played out. Normally I am known to be highly ethical, honest and a person of integrity – a total disconnect to my current actions. It’s hard not to think about what others will think of me.

I don’t even know where to start when trying to sort this out with the model – Can I just own up to being a bad person at this moment in time, forgive myself, and move on? Is that a cop-out?