Halllllp! Literally riding in the river of misery.

I have a young daughter that is extra needs, specifically ASD (high functioning; just diagnosed). She also has an older brother. I am having a hard time managing the child, her needs, those of her brother, household, full time job and a side coaching business. She has outbursts that typically result in tantrums that are physical (hitting, kicking, etc. ) and a lot of screaming. These tantrums happen for small things but typically if she doesn’t like something she ‘s got to wear (eg clothes for school) or she doesn’t get what she wants. I am having a very hard time with this recently because it’s so so so time consuming and mentally exhausting to just do the most normal things with her such as get out of the house for school or camp. Her father is very unsupportive so most of the care and overall support of the child falls on me. I understand I have control of my thoughts over her tantrums but I feel that no matter what she’s holding me back in life. Since she was born it’s been stressful. I try to find ways to allow for her needs like getting out of the house but honestly I am so tired. I feel resentful and angry and then also sad. All this ends with a lot of crying and buffering.

I think I am blaming her for not doing more and being better at my life in general. I don’t stick with anything such as the Urge Jar or even SCS homework. I always fall off the consistency wagon and then beat myself up. I used to be very different (massive goal achiever!) and it did change when her issues started becoming ‘inconvenient’ and also worrisome when she was 1-2 years old. Now I am overweight and in general mediocre. I know this is harsh to think of myself this way but it’s so disappointing.

Here are two models. I’d love any support in the form of feedback and/or tweaks to the model(s).

Unintentional Model
C daughter’s tantrums
T why is it so hard? or this fucking sucks or again – why/what now?
F angry
A deal with the child
R buffer with food; tv; social media and not progress on goals

Intentional Model
C daughter’s tantrums
T this will get better
F calm
A move through the tantrum
R continue on with my activities