help with models and patterns

I have done an unintentional model and realized I have a pattern.
My unintentional model was
C : ex told me “I thought you wanted to see your daughter”
T: he accuses me of not being a good enough mother
F: angry
A: hold my tongue to avoid conflict, try to swap the thought telling myself it’s just a thought and I can choose to think otherwise, tell myself this thought doesn’t serve me, did activities with my daughter, induldged some of her demands, ruminate more on what he said, lash out on my daughter for little things, the more I tried to get the thought out of my head the less emotionally available I became
R: I create evidence of not being a good mum ?

And doing this I realized that whenever I have thoughts I am trying to work on (=change them; tell myself they are optional; trying to find a bridge thought) I become obsessed and I hold no space for other people. I am so focused on changing the thought that the moment someone around me does something wrong (=proving my original thought) I lash out.
How can I address this so as to stop these loops?