Here is my thought download this morning after committing not to drink and I did

Now I feel like crap. Now I have dreams full of anxiety. I purposely chose to drink. I’m not going to be able to do this. If I don’t do this I will end up back where I was. It was like my second real urge and couldn’t deal with it. That too..second urge and doing this for like 2 month?.I feel like I’m not concentrating enough on scholars. I’m not doing the April homework because it’s not doing anything for me at all except a schedule which I was always good at. I’m scared I won’t keep my commitment to myself on my 5 day vacation. I am loosing weight. I am getting a lot of headaches. My Dad annoys me sometimes and my Mom worries so much about her mortality.. I worry about my future and don’t want to support my sisters. I worry G will die. I have great kid, grandchildren, parents and a husband. I better call my mother in law. I’ not supposed to beat myself up. All this for having 3 unplanned drinks. I thought I was getting off lucky that I was not really experiencing urges especially on non drinking days and yesterday it was like BOOM and I actually convinced myself to drink. I can’t say it was against my will. I wanted to. I spoke to my future and future, future self and was still like “Oh well!” I’m scared that after two months of hemming and hawing over my drink protocol and now in just a week of settling on it, I couldn’t handle one urge!

I’ll be doing models just on this download for 24 hrs