Earlier this week, I was feeling SO in love with my fiance. I was thinking I’ve never been so 😍😍😍 about someone before.

That same day, we were watching the Olympics, a rugby game. One of the players grabbed another woman by the hair and brought her down to the ground. My fiance said, “If she didn’t have long hair, then she would’ve gotten the touchdown” and my brain immediately went to “That’s the kind of thought process used to victim blame women” and I got SUPER upset. I cried for probably an hour. I threw a blanket, knocked over a can and bottle of water and slammed a couple doors. I’ve never been so upset or reacted to my feelings that way without also being drunk before.

I just had a 1:1 session just now where this started to come up for me and I didn’t want to talk about it, I could feel myself tearing up. But I do think it’s important to get coached on it so that’s why I’m writing in here.

Anyway, so then I got really angry that he wasn’t understanding why I was upset. I wanted him to hold space, tell me he understands why I’m so upset lol. I guess I had a manual for how I wanted him to show up and when he didn’t I got angry.

I know that in the past, after I got out of a really dysfunctional relationship, I coped with the fear and anxiety by hyper-focusing on the things men would do and say and try to look for “signs” of whether they were safe or not. I think this might be a remnant of that pattern, but I’m still pretty shaken about it. I also don’t want to dismiss it as “just” a remnant if there might actually be something legitimate to it. I understand the original pattern served as a protection mechanism during a time I felt very unsafe.

Some of the other thoughts that were coming up for me were:
– Is he safe? (fear)
– I always have to be the one to apologize and change. (belittled)
– He doesn’t get it. (frustrated)
– I shouldn’t have to teach him about victim blaming. (anger)
– “I’m probably going to say something like that again” is exactly what my ex boyfriend said, too. (anger)
– My mom would always blame me for shit I didn’t do (angry)

I don’t know what else to write. I guess that’s it.