How do I know if my relationship is abusive if the relationship is our thoughts?

I feel in control of and able to dream about lots of things in my life e.g. home, career etc but I’m married to a person who is in some ways amazing and in other ways abusive (not physically)and I don’t know if I can do any better.

I hear all these things about toxic relationships, abusive relationships, borderline personality, narcissist etc and I feel scared that this is my partner. then I hear your teachings that the relationship is my thoughts and I just don’t know how to make sense of it. How do I know if my partner/ relationship is abusive?

Also we are a lesbian couple and honestly we have no role-models for long term monogamous happy relationships, and yes I know it’s thoughts, but there are actually differences between being lesbian and being straight in terms of how we are in the world/ how we grow up etc.

Iā€™m going around and around in my mind doing countless models, trying to practice unconditional love with my partneretc. and just don’t know how to move forward.

All the things I hear/ read that say “if your partner does this you should leave” and they are things my partner does.

I grew up in an abusive household (physically, verbally, mentally..) and I’m worrying that I am putting up with things because I’m used to it, my friends like my partner and think that we are good together, but also all of them have at some point said it’s too much and I shouldn’t put up with it… I don’t know how to find the truth/ the right answer.

I have asked my partner for a break and it is hard, I want to call her, but I cannot because I asked for a break, I miss her terribly and want to call her, but also want to have time to find out the truth and either commit to the relationship or commit to leaving- any guidance you can offer would be appreciated!!! Thank you!