I am doing the How to enjoy being you week 2 homework .
The One thing I really regret was isolating my self for about 3 1/2 months during Quarantine. I buffered most of my awareness away and did not regularly communicate with myself, my family, or friends. I avoided voice calls so I and others couldn’t hear my voice- which would crack with emotion and I didn’t want to address that. I avoided video on zoom with family and during my religious weekly meetings so others couldn’t see how I wasn’t taking care of myself and so I didn’t have to try and our up a facade and fake doing okay. I avoided doing any thought work and scholars and felt like any and all progress I had made had been lost and that I had regressed even further than when I had started.
I did all this to protect myself.
C By myself in Quarantine
T I wanted to protect myself
F fear, anxiety (?) Not sure
A isolated myself, buffered, avoided expressing how I felt to myself and others, covered up camera at meetings, put on a facade when speaking to others, lied to myself, lied to others, didn’t pray, didn’t take care of my physical needs, didn’t cook, slept all day, read all day.
R I kept away anything that I thought could hurt me, even myself.
The last part asks if I can let this go.
The first thing I wrote was:
I can’t just let this go – it was horrible!
But I want to let this go and forgive myself. I have already apologized to myself, but I am not letting it go.
If I do let it go it can happen again. Which is not a thought that serves me!
I am trying to accept that what I did was to protect myself to the best of my ability with the knowledge I had. And as soon as I was able to, I did reach out and physically moved to be with my family again.
I am seeing that throughout it all I was always putting my care first.
My intention was to protect myself and in a way I did exactly that.
But now in hindsight, I was so lonely and I didn’t need to be and that thought really hurts! And that is what I cannot let go.
What are some thoughts I can practice thinking so I can accept what I did? I don’t know if I can be okay with what I did, but I don’t want to punish myself for doing it.
