My husband spent a week in the ICU in 2019. He had pneumonia and the flu. He was diagnosed with COPD brought about by years of smoking. It was touch and go in the emergency room and for a while, it looked like he might not make it. At one point, it looked like he might have had a stroke. Ultimately, all turned out well. He came home a non-smoker. At some point over the next few months, he began smoking a bit here and there again. He has never smoked in the house in all the years I’ve known him, so I was blindsided when I found out. (He didn’t offer up the information, but was honest when I mentioned how happy I was for him being a nonsmoker.)
We’ve been married 26 years. My thinking made the first 20 less than stellar. I’ve worked on myself a great deal, and I’m enjoying him and our marriage more and more. We have dreams of how we’d like to move forward together. His smoking (my thoughts about his smoking), make me want to pull back. I find myself trying to fix him (which I know doesn’t work) or delude myself that it doesn’t matter … everything will be okay.
I’m in CCP and am learning how to help others stop buffering, overeating, and overdrinking. Yet I feel like I have to sit on my hands and be quiet when it comes to the person whose behavior matters the most to me (save for mine).
We were heading out yesterday morning, and he went out twice before 9 am to smoke. He got into the car smelling like an ashtray. I never liked his smoking, but I find it even harder now that I’ve had a taste of him being a nonsmoker.
C: Jim is smoking (when I asked how much, he said it’s best I don’t know, so I don’t have exact figures)
T: He’ll end up in the hospital again.
F: defeated (physically, it feels like all the wind is sucked out of me)
A: I interrogate, I nag, I “teach”, I withdraw, I antagonize, I want to buffer myself — sometimes I allow urges, sometimes I give in.
(don’t) sit with and sort through my feelings about Jim and his smoking. Accept. Love him unconditionally.
R: I make myself sick
Thanks for any insights you can offer. This is such a phenomenal resource. 🙂