I have so many thoughts about this. But the biggest one is questioning why I want to stay and work it out. We have struggled for months now and I have been doing the thought work around circumstances. However. I just don’t think he really wants to be in this relationship. I don’t want someone to stay who wants to leave but I am frozen to move to the next step.
I have done hard things before. I am capable of making my own life happy and fulfilled. But things will be tough for a while I guess while we navigate through this. I want to be fair yet in charge of my emotions but he wants to move so quickly wanting to divide things and tell people. I feel just like in our marriage I try and do the work to process but when dealing with another being it is not always that clean. He gets to be who he wants. I get to be who I want. But the in-between where we say goodbye to a marriage that was 50 50 is hard. I know that we could make it but it would include him being willing to do some work on him and that is me being in his model.
How do you let go? I feel like I am on top of a bridge right now and will be falling. I want to stop the fall by protecting myself. But just have been stuck in indecision.
Why won’t I make a decision? I am afraid of change. I am afraid of what this new life will look like. I am afraid as listening to Brooke talk and her and Chris it sounds like they were able to discuss in love. My husband is not acting this way. I can’t control him. My plan moving forward is to feel the feelings. Feel them and try and process them. I can handle some vibrations. But I hate feeling out of control. I want to know answers. I am trying to envision my future life. ANd I like it alone. I am happy and not in conflict. I have freedom. But I still love him. I guess I can love him and still move on. Just hard when it is not what you really want.