I am home by myself on a Saturday night. I found a new recipe I want to try making, and I notice my brain is making things miserable for me. Usually I kind of just go through the motions of cooking even though I have these negative feelings under the surface. Today I’d like to bring some more awareness to them.

C Day is Saturday, desire to prepare a meal
T I’m a loser for cooking for one
F Invisible? Worthless? Useless? Meaningless? Like nobody cares about me. A deep longing and intense loneliness.
A When I feel invisible, I ultimately end up getting depressed, I isolate myself, I cry, I say negative things to myself, I wonder if it will ever get better, I feel lonely, I clean my house, I cook my meal, I judge myself and say mean things to myself, I don’t value my life.
R I’m actually not sure … I ruin the experience of cooking for myself? I make myself a loser? I don’t value myself? I ruin my life?

I think ultimately the thought is a variation of “my life is meaningless.” Then the result could be that I don’t find meaning in my life. Or, actually, I think it’s that “I don’t matter to me.”

What I WANT to feel is deeply connected to others, to feel seen, to feel understood. On a Saturday night I want to feel fun, lightness, levity, and enjoyment, not struggle and trying to “fix” anything about myself. I want to appreciate myself and feel like I have value. I think I want my new thought to be “I love, appreciate, and value myself.” This currently feels very untrue.

I think possibly my next line of action is to bridge from “I don’t matter” or “my life is meaningless” which are really painful thoughts, to “I love, value, and appreciate myself”.

So possibly, starting with “I don’t matter” –> I love, value, and appreciate myself. This seems like a very big stretch.

I am open to any advice on how to work with this thought over time. I am in quite a bit of emotional pain (from my thinking).