I am taking action completely against my desires

Hello coaches! I have come out of the busy season at work, where I chose to work overtime at the expense of my family and my relationship with myself. I learned from this and have become more boundaried at work. Now we are in the quieter time of work. I have been present at home and to myself for a few weeks and then…..

All of a sudden, this last week, I have found I’ve completely over loaded myself, and committed to making face masks & selling them (which I do enjoy doing, just not if there is time pressure). This is in addition to my full time work load and parenting. This action has created the exact same model that I have just come out of from working overtime in the busy time at work. I have created “crazy busy for myself!” Its not appropriate to work overtime now, and so I’ve just created the same model:

C: I am doing something for someone
T: OMG I have to finish this right away, I said I would have it to them very soon
F: anxiety
A: rush, dont stick to family time, dont go to the gym, dont spend time with husband or kids, prioritise the “thing” above myself and the family, dont relax, eat quick meals (lots of bread & cheese), think: “just get these done and then it will calm down again”, think: “you’re in it now, just finish it off quickly and then you can be with your family again”
R: Create crazy busy, create distance in relationship, create clutter in my house, create disorganisation,

At the moment I’m working through “organise your mind”. I’m thinking about what I want to be creating in my life. AND THIS IS NOT IT! Ha! I am taking the exact opposite action of what I say I want to create when I am journalling and self coaching. I want to create:
– Physical space between things in my house
– Space in my mind
– Organisation
– deeply connected relationships
– a strong body
– abundant wealth

I know this is something I have to learn in order to become the me that can achieve these things. Why do I take action that creates the opposite of the desires I have in my prefrontal cortex? Its like I’m sprinting in the other direction! What the hell is with that! What questions can I ask to weed this out more? All I can come up with is that this feels familiar, and that if I create space in my house and depth in my relationships, I’ll never go out and see my friends (because i think I’ll be always at home making sure my house is tidy?? Not saying that its logical, just thats all i can think it might be!) help!