I don’t deserve the kind of guy I want…

I dove into online dating recently. Part of me said it was too soon and I wasn’t ready (or others would say it was too soon), but I was like let’s try it anyway. I want to see what’s out there! And how else will I learn what I need to learn?

So I matched with this guy, N, on Facebook Dating right away. I liked his pictures and his profile. He said if we match, feel free to reach out first because he won’t always be the one to initiate contact. I took that as a challenge and messaged him when he liked me back. I was so proud of myself for that! Lol.

We’ve been talking almost non-stop ever since! I didn’t expect to connect so well with him. He’s funny and a little dorky like me and the convo has been great. Turns out we have several want matches, which is exciting. We met for the first time on Saturday night on a whim, and we hit it off in person too! We went dancing and then we went back to his place after. I had a great time, and he proved to be incredibly kind and sweet and funny. Just loved his vibe.

Today we’ve been texting less, and my brain is freaking out!

I TDLed about it, and I’m making it mean that he’s starting to lose interest in me. And I have this super ingrained belief that I don’t deserve the kind of guy that I so desperately want (I know…desperately…).

I knew that I hit a cord as soon as I wanted to start to cry when I wrote that down. I don’t deserve the kind of guy that I want. I believe that’s true because I spent almost ten years with someone who never felt “right” and who I wouldn’t have chosen again. I divorced him after I found out he’d cheated twice. Before that, I had one other serious relationship, again with someone who was just not a good match and definitely not the kind of person I would choose again.

I’ve also engaged with two guys since ending things with my ex-husband. Just briefly, but both times, the guy ended things or no longer contacted me after a little while. The most recent one especially hurt but I made peace with it because that guy always felt like “the one that got away.” And we had several things in common that were important to me, but I think he just doesn’t want a relationship. So I decided I didn’t want to chase him or keep pursuing him and take whatever I could get.

So feel like I have all of this evidence that I’ll never find someone who I go crazy for and will go crazy for me back. I want to love someone like never before and have them do the same and just add to each other’s happiness, you know?

How do I overcome this belief that I don’t deserve the kind of guy I want (and what others have in a relationship)? Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to say or how to behave or how to think because I feel like I’m looking at love through this lens of I’ll never have the kind of guy I want. Others deserve that kind of relationship but not me. Help!

Here’s a thought I came up with, but even so, I still feel worried.

No matter what happens with N, I choose to act and think from self-love instead of fear.

(But how?? Lol)