I have a recurring thought over the years that it’s my husband’s fault that we are struggling financially and still in debt. I realize that I have chosen to participate in our financial life, spending more than we make, allowing him to pursue his music career even though it pays very little. I want him to be happy and find work he enjoys. He’s also super talented, and we have both just thought that “maybe soon” he will make more money with music.

I don’t like feeling “hate” or resentment” when I think of my husband, so I think when it comes up, I just push it down, and, then of course it pops back up again later. I just wish he would change and start making enough money for us to get out of debt.

I would like some help on a model. Last night I came home from grocery shopping and my husband was supposed to have put our daughter to bed when I left. I came home 25 minutes later and she was in the exact same place and he was on the phone. I got mad and yelled at him.

C: I walked in the house, daughter is sitting on the toilet, husband talking on phone.
T: I have to do everything around here.
F: Anger/resentful
A: I yell at husband
I put away frozen food
I get daughter ready for bed
I am distant with husband all evening, and next few days,
I cry
I spin on “I hate my life”, “I can never have what I want” , “nothing is ever going to change”, I feel trapped
I fantasize about leaving my husband
I don’t ask for help from him
I bring up the subject of him working more, we have an argument
I keep working 50 hours per week, feeling bitter.
R: My life never changes, I keep being the one who is financially responsible for 90% of our finances. 5 more years go by and we are still in debt and unable to buy a house.

I feel like I am collapsing this event with how I feel in general. Any little action of my husband tips me into feeling angry and resentful.
Just talking about the housing market going up by $200K for a basic house in the last 2 years and I spiral into anger about my husband’s lack of work and income, and our 20 years of debt and him making <$15K most years.

Can you help me clear up my model? thanks