I hate to admit it: I’m jealous of my friend’s success.

Out of all the friends I’ll mention here as circumstances, I’m the first one who became a content creator on the new platform Tik Tok. I started off as a dancer and quickly transitioned into life coaching. My current audience is 47,600. I have 3 friends that each started about a year after me. One of them reached 100,000 (first month) and is now at over 500,000. Another friend reached 200,000 in their first month and is now at almost 400,000. Another friend who was always behind me by about 10,000 recently surpassed me and is now at 140,000 as a self-love content creator.

I’ll admit all three of these friends started with their niche at the beginning which could “scientifically” be why they surpassed me. I started off as a professional dancer then had knee surgery and switched to life coaching which could be why my growth is slower.

However, I noticed I’m jealous of their success. I feel so damn silly for admitting this. I’m kind of judging myself for it too. “How could I be jealous of their success? I’m literally being toxic in my mind about it. I should be happy for them. I should be inspired by them.” I’m beating myself up because I don’t feel or think this way. Some of my honest thoughts and feelings are: “It’s not fair. I’ve been working at this for 1.5 years and they get the quick success. Something must be wrong with me. See life is always more successful for everyone else but me. Maybe I should start over brand new with the focused niche.”

I couldn’t keep pretending anymore I wasn’t jealous. I got scared that “if I felt jealous, I would push my manifestation of my goal away” which is technically true, however I was trying to force myself to believe I didn’t feel some jealousy or resentment at their success and lying to myself which might even be worse.

This situation feels so sticky. It feels multi-layered. It triggers all the stories I adopted in elementary school of “always being last place” compared to the kids that were more admired and always picked first. It proves the stories I adopted at a young age that I must prove myself to be measured as worthy. Not only that but I am now being the toxic one by being jealous of another’s success instead of focusing on myself. To top it off, I’m judging the shit out of myself because as a life coach “I shouldn’t be thinking this way.”

Part of me is like “what’s the point in sharing this right now? the answer I’ll most likely get is ‘who would you be without these beliefs?’ which sounds easier said than done.”

I’m just onto my brain. Being honest about this stuff is really hard for me because I’d like to think of myself as the not-toxic person who is always happy at someone else’s success, but it’s just not true. 🙁

I don’t know where to begin here. How can I actually EMBODY not just think but really FEEL in my body success more my friends and continue creating the result of growing my audience.