Yesterday I was on a zoom call for work at home when my 23-year-old daughter came to me and said, “Mom look at……….(my son) can you talk to him?” I turned to him and said, “you look fine just put on a jacket for the graduation pictures and put on a tie.”
My son left to change into another pair of pants. When he came back to ask my opinion again, I said,” you cannot wear those, you gained so much weight that those pants don’t fit you anymore.” I said honey,” you got fat.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I looked up and saw how hurt he was. He said, “you just completely deflated my ego.”
I immediately said I was sorry. I didn’t mean that. I told him that I loved him and that he couldn’t wear that. Literally if he bent over the pants would rip down the center. My daughter ripped into me, “you are just like your mother”. This is the worse insult because my mom had been so hurtful to me growing up and that is the last person in the world I want to be compared with.
C: Daughter said, “You have become your mom.”
T: I have become hurtful like my mom.
A: Spinning and replaying the moment over and over again, felt like crying, judging myself mercilessly(horrible mother), questioning myself, hiding from my kids, frantic breathing, off center, groundless
R: Turning that hurtfulness on myself and mortifying myself even more.
How can I forgive myself?