I screamed at my kids

Hi, my kids are sometimes really loud. They get hyper and play together in really yelpy screamy ways. I try to tolerate it and the thought is in my head, “I’m going to scream myself in a minute.” I literally get to the point where my nervous system is traumatised, all I want to do is scream and scream. Yesterday, I did tell the kids I was finding it too much. They replied that “It wasn’t me, it was her” and then I lost my shit and yelled at them. But yelling wasn’t enough, then I went into our laundry room and screamed myself hoarse. My 10-year old was so frightened she took my phone and called her dad, who was out with his friends. She must have been really scared.

Today, I’m feeling really disappointed with my reaction. My mum really yelled at us and the fear of her anger is still a feeling I can easily conjur if I think about it. I want to stop yelling. And I can see that if I think “I’m going to scream” then that’s the result I’ll create. But also, where do the feelings fit in here? I do genuinely feel physically and emotionally overwhelmed by the noise. Maybe I could think myself into tolerating it… or should I allow it? Asking for the noise to stop, or trying to guide them towards other games, hasn’t worked yet.