I’m trying to feel love and especially unconditional love. I want to feel love for my husband but I don’t feel like I have access to it. Which I guess means I don’t believe the thought ‘I love him’ or when I think the thought I love him, it doesn’t feel good, it feels kind of tiring. Like I have to really force the feeling.
I have a fear that I am not capable of unconditional love. I feel like I love people because of what they do for me or give me. I feel like its always kind of transactional. I want to be near people that help me or boost me. If they don’t do what I want then I don’t feel love for them anymore. When I try access love I have for family I fear that i’m still loving them because of something they do or have done for me.
All of this feels horrible and I totally get that loving all of them unconditionally would feel better but I’m not sure how to get to it.
Even before I got married I felt this reservation or block from unconditional love. I was more into the list of good things about my husband and what he does for me and how he shows love towards me rather than the love I felt for him.
I remember being unconditionally loving in previous relationships so it might be that I decided not to be like that again so I don’t get cheated on or don’t humiliate myself.
But I’m not feeling fear of love today with my husband I’m just feeling like I can’t do it.
I’m not really sure where to start.
Is making a list of things I like about him a place to start? It still feels conditional to me.
Where am I going wrong here? Your insight will be greatly appreciated.