I was a walking Urge, white-knuckling it – waiting to explode.

I had NO idea that my entire life I have been “white-knuckling” my weight management.

I thought I had a “pretty healthy” relationship with food because I’ve only ever gotten 10 pounds over my desired weight. Boy was I wrong. Because of the Urge Jar work, I now understand I’ve been super all or nothing about food. I’m either SUPER strict, managing circumstances. (Get the sugar out of the house, telling my Mom & Grandmother before I go to their houses that they are prohibited from offering me food, etc.) That has worked for a while, UNTIL I freak out and have a small binge. I felt it wasn’t something to fix since my weight stays relatively stable.

I started the Urge Jar last week and all was going well until Sunday. I freaked out and ATE. Stuff I haven’t eaten in years, including ding dongs that tasted like plastic bricks. But I ate the majority of the box anyway – all while watching myself, horrified.

I rewatched last week’s Art of Allowing Urges, a thought popped into my head that I was still resisting the Urges instead of actually Allowing. The metaphor of the Fire Alarm was GOLD. So I recommitted and restarted on Monday and Tuesday evening… I got a massive Urge. SUCH a huge one that I almost pulled a George Constanza (Seinfeld) and thought about pulling the last 3 ding dong box from the trash can in the garage. I decided to sit there and feel all of it. These are the models I did while processing the Urge.

C – 3 ding dongs in trash
T – I want to eat them
F – rebellious, deserving
A – fish them out of the trash and eat the ding dongs
R – feel like shit physically and emotionally, have a stomachache in the morning, have to start all over again

(noted in between writing the models: My skin is coming off of my body)

C – 3 ding dongs in trash
T – It’s ok to want them. I can feel deprived.
F – determined
A – think about my desire for the ding dongs as the fire alarm going off. It sucks and is very uncomfortable and I’m going to get to the other side.
R – don’t eat the ding dongs and feel accomplished tomorrow.

(writing after model 2 – not answering this urge is giving me an out of body experience. It does feel URGENT. It’s hard and I can do hard things. I feel tired.)

I didn’t eat the ding dongs from the trash. (I KNOW it sounds SO disgusting and I hadn’t done anything like that since my 20’s but I felt possessed. Thank goodness this is anonymous.)

In the morning I wrote: I feel SO PROUD of myself. Seriously, this made my teary and so excited!

Thank you Brooke. I’m SOOO excited to keep learning about myself and becoming more empowered.