I’m Afraid to Keep Trying, I’m Afraid to Finally Give Up

Hi team, I’m 53 years old. I have ‘tried’ to change my thinking, observe my thinking, lose weight, stop over drinking, get organised, stop buffering and so on… over and over and over again for years and years. I spent the money to invest in this program for 12 months and now the time is up and I haven’t made the changes, or done the work AGAIN. I am now becoming afraid to even try. Very ashamed of the money I have wasted on years of coaching, programs, therapy, books and diet programs. I want to sign up again despite this shame of spending even more money that may be wasted, but each attempt to get the energy up to believe I can and will do it, is draining me further financially and emotionally. On a bad day, I feel no self worth at all. On those days I seem to be the one damn person that just cannot make it work. I am crying right now, because others see me as this exceptional woman who inspires people, who is intelligent and artistic and who achieves massive tasks. (My husband and I are currently hand building our mud brick house, up every day at 5am and although I am very fat, I am also very strong). I see that about myself, and on a good day I know there are parts of me that are amazing… but my core belief is that I fail. Every time… I fail… at the most important thing… ME! My husband of 6 years loves me so much, and he cannot understand why I can’t just DO IT. He has never had a problem with self regulating. He has seen me try and fail too many times, even in the 6 years we’ve been together and doesn’t want me to spend any more of our meagre income to sign up again, even for one month at a time. I’m torn. I don’t expect a magic answer, but is there hope for someone like me? After so many years of failure, what would make me turn this around now? I’m intelligent, I ‘should’ be able to do this. Yet I’m so very afraid to try again. I’m even more afraid of giving up finally and never really trying again. You must have had so many people like me in the program. What turns it around? Imagine I sign up now for one month… what is the ONE THING you would advise me to do that gives me the BEST POSSIBLE chance to create the difference in my life that I crave beyond all else? I need a ONE THING to be able to achieve, to begin to feel HOPE again.
Thanks. G