Is is possible to miss drama?

I work 12 hours shifts as a physician – basically 1 week on, 1 week off. I used to end my work weeks exhausted but over the past few weeks – through thought work – I no longer think of work as “hard”. (Obviously work hasn’t changed but it doesn’t matter because my thoughts have.)

I used to spend my off weeks – sitting around feeling sorry for myself and allowing myself just to rest because I “deserved” it. Now that I don’t end my weeks a total wreck – I am able to enjoy my weeks off and actually be productive to move my life forward. All good, right?

I find that I have this sneaky thought that part of me misses the indulgent laziness of my off week and I’m afraid that that’s going to make me continue to look for work drama so that I can allow myself to be exhausted on my week off. I’m very fearful of regressing and losing my progress. My ultimate goal is weight loss and historically I have used my “hard” job as an excuse why I can’t work on my weight loss.

I’m trying to find the balance between self-compassion and not letting myself off the hook.