My boyfriend, which I have dated for 8 months now, can get a bit loud when we argue, and he can call me names and tell me that I always or never do particular things and that it makes him feel a number of bad feelings when I do/don’t do whatever. In our discussions I try to keep calm and use “I”-statements, so as not to point the finger to him, but own my own shit. However, I am human, and he tells me that I often make him feel like I am blaming him and that everything is his fault.

When debates get – as I feel it – “out of control” (i.e. they escalate and it seems there is no listening, just waiting for turns to emphasize one’s one point and stating how it is superior the other person’s point) then I sometimes say: Can we please just agree to disagree on this?

The reason I do this is to put an end to the blaming, which by then seems to go both ways, but no one wants to take ownership for contributing to it. I am not saying it as a ruling technique, I am saying it because I feel overwhelmed with fear (I am not used to conflicts like the ones I have with my boyfriend) and it feels like the discussion is only getting worse for both of us.

Today my boyfriend told me that he considers it a suppression technique and that to him it implies I am not willing to listen to his arguments and that it is a declaration that there is no use in trying to understand each other’s points of view. We go to couples therapy and this came up, and the therapist said she does not think there is any such thing as agreeing to disagree.

I would really like to hear your thoughts on this matter. I prefer to talk things through with people, and so I agree with my boyfriend that ideally, that is what I too would like us to do. I just don’t know how when the argument gets so heated.

Thank you so much for helping me and so many others. <3