Jealousy/comparison/not good enough

My partner’s only friend is a female and I don’t like it! I don’t think I’m jealous of her but I’m certainly jealous of his relationship with her and of their history together (not romantically, just long term close friends).

I am always internally comparing myself to her and thinking that he would rather be with her than me as she’s a bit of a good time girl (fun, attractive, gossipy and smokes and drinks like he does), and I always feel boring in comparison, even though I know that’s not true. I know he adores me but he doesn’t express it in ways that reassure me and I feel insecure in the relationship.

I feel irritated every time he mentions her name and imagine all kinds of scenarios in my head where they’re laughing together at their in-jokes (something he doesn’t do often as he’s generally quite a miserable person!!) and I feel that I’m not enough for him. Argh! On the outside, I’m a confident bubbly person but this is eating me up from the inside, and I despise it. Thank you for reading.