Job thoughts

Yesterday, I spoke with my boss about jobs that I’m thinking of applying to – my current job is a temporary faculty position and has a training component, so I need to find a full-time position eventually. I wanted his support for other jobs, which he gave me with advice and also agreeing to help me with any negotiations.

I just noticed that I was feeling off after finishing the conversation and realized that it was because I deep down also wanted him to offer me a permanent position at my current institution. I was hoping, and it didn’t happen so I made it mean that he thought I wasn’t good enough to stay. I know he is supportive and believes in me, but I just get sad and disappointed when I don’t understand the reasons that a job wouldn’t be possible with him.

I don’t know that is necessarily true, since my contract doesn’t end for another 1.5 years, but I think I have underlying beliefs that I’m not good enough for the position. It could be equally true that they just wouldn’t have a position to offer logistically. I just hate feeling like I’m begging for anything. With my current thoughts, I’m doing that in my mind even if he isn’t hearing those thoughts.

Where would you start with this story? I’m also in overwhelm about it. Thanks!