So at the beginning of the week I decided that on Friday, May 1 I would quit sugar and binge eating FOREVER, 100%. I had gotten my binges down to once a week, I was practicing tools, I have a TON of tools, I know I can do this. Now on Thursday, April 30, my brain produced thoughts that were like “this is my last chance to binge,” “once tomorrow comes you’ll never be able to do it again,” “just one more time!” “It doesn’t matter you’re starting over afresh tomorrow.” And so, I chose to respond to those thoughts and that desire and binge one more time.
Now I still believe that I have the power to never go back there again and May 1 can be my brand new fresh start. However, I recognize that this “one more time, start over tomorrow” thought has sabotaged me many times before in the past. And I also want to get past this idea that my life without binging has to start on a significant or numerically even day, such as the 1st, the 5th, the 10th, Sunday a holiday or birthday…etc. If I don’t hack this self sabotaging mechanism, I know in a few days to a week my brain will be like “start over on the 10th” “just one more day” and on and on the cycle will continue!
I know logically that these thoughts are irrational. I know that I should just allow discomfort to be in my body and not fight it. I think I know what to do. I just either lack the motivation to do it, or lack the belief in the process and either doubt the new thoughts I come up with or doubt that any of the strategies I’ve been taught will actually work. I know I’m not powerless but I feel powerless.