Lara’s nephew coach call, etc

My 1st live coaching call was challenging for me. I knew it would be hard to talk about my nephew as well as his brother’s suicide. And it was! And my plan to keep the kids out of the office didn’t even work! Anyway, I’m proud of myself for asking hard questions, but I need more help (duh!).
1st if I think he has the life he’s supposed to have: It feels dismissive and complacent. Not peaceful. Like giving in to the difficulties of life. I know we can’t control all things, but I have done mission work in 3rd world countries. Can’t give everyone clean drinking water, but shouldn’t we try?!
Anyway, I need a thought model.
Also, since speaking with you I ironically lost control of my appetite. I’d been losing 1-3 lbs a week and controlling meal times. It seems I’ve lost control over that- of course it’s my go to drug since I don’t drink, etc.
how do I feel raw feelings and not buffer- I just can’t sit with the pain! I did one day take all the kids to school and stay in bed from 9-3 crying and mourning for my nephews. It helped. It was a sad but needed day. I was hoping to not repeat it though- gosh! Am I going to have to just block out sad time?
IDK, I just still wish things were different. I can’t seem to wish anything else.