The last session I had the coach asked why would you want to keep the belief that you’re not good enough. I’ve been thinking about it more.
And maybe what came up was more related to my life being good enough…. I think so much of my life has been suffering. I am the hero of my story. I’ve come a very long way.
Although I know that and I’ve been working on my thoughts in the last two years in scholars which has helped a lot…. I still think most of my life is feeling depressed, feeling very anxious, working hard, and being uncomfortable to grow my business or the difficulty of caring for two kids under 3 when I’m already exhausted.
When I have the energy to manage my thoughts there are things that I enjoy. I feel like because of my anxiety I’m exhausted most of the time. I focus on my business because once it’s successful maybe I’ll be able to relax more and grind less. Maybe it will be a little easier to feel good enough.
I understand the concept of it’s not better there than here but maybe I’ve struggled to let go of it because if it’s not better there then I should just give up. Life feels so hard most of the time. So maybe that’s part of why I still haven’t been able to believe that I’m good enough already or it’s just as good here.
I think what keeps me going is that it will be better there. I think most of the pockets of joy I experience now are living into what it will be like there. So makes sense that I wouldn’t want to let go of it.
But speaking with the coach she also mentioned that if I’m not able to feel good now or fuel my actions with intentional emotions I actually make it harder to get there and may find that I’m still anxious and depressed most of the time even when my business is a “success”…. that’s even more depressing.
So what’s the next step?
Side note: I have worked on the anxiety and depression with a therapist and am being treated.