It’s PG again, I saw my PT for the first time after telling him the truth about my past and the abuse. I wanted to avoid him initially like I said in my recent post about being vulnerable as I felt awkward and like he was in a higher position than me in the relationship as he knew everything now. But I did a some self coaching and was brave and went for my session. It was totally fine between us and I smashed my session too, I did sometimes feel awkward talking about my life with him as usually I feel like I have to pretend everything is ok, like when I was younger in school, I had to pretend I was living life a different way and I do the same at work still as I didn’t want to tell people what was going on in my life as I felt shame and embarrassed and that people would talk about me and my family.
He’s been nothing but nice to me about it (plus he seems to have revealed himself as mindset ninja since I told him – don’t know how, but he talks and thinks in a really good way, It’s like he’s done SCS or something lol). I’m choosing to indulge in confusion and doubt though as I think I like him but then I’m like do I really like or it is cause he’s the only guy I spend as much time with, he’s nice to me and gives me compliments. Then I also indulge in confusion and doubt about how he feels about me,
I keep wanting to know cause I’m scared I’m making a fool of myself or I will get hurt if I keep entertaining the idea there could be more between us. I’m not sure how to proceed forward. I feel like he has guard up and he confirmed that to me recently that he does. I’m not sure why, he says he’s just cold and will open up to the right girl. I feel like he tells me more about himself but I don’t know if that’s just cause we’ve become friends lately. Plus after I told him the truth, he keeps checking up on me and giving lots of support, so I don’t know if he’s just being nice and I’m reading more into it than I should. I’ve only ever gone a few dates before so I have thoughts like I don’t know what I’m doing here, how do I know if he’s likes me – but I know I’ll never know how anyone else thinks unless I can look inside their head and see their thoughts, why would he like me, he’s got more experience than me, I’m probably misunderstanding his concern for something more, I don’t want to get hurt by him, I don’t want to mess up the current relationship we have, I’ve probably got this wrong, I shouldn’t try to push this further for my own sake.
Looking forward to some amazing insight from you as always Brooke ❤️
Ps I just joined this month and I already feel like I’ve made soo much progress, like I’ve become soo much braver and courageous and started mastering how my mind works. I’m working on rewriting my story of the past and not being past focussed. I saw my friends yesterday who I hadn’t seen for a while and usually I have thoughts like I’ve got nothing interesting in my life to say or tell them, my usual thoughts about how I’m not likeable or loveable I did some mindset work before I went and I had soo much fun. I had such a good day and I felt soo happy and connected. My parents had a fight later on but I normally would have got upset and been like they’ve ruined my good day but I didn’t let it affect me and I stayed calm and was managed my thoughts – super proud of myself 😎 loving SCS and working on myself xxx