Hello Coaches,

I am working through the thick manual I have about my sister-in-law and doing models on this. I would love a critical eye on the model work below and the various layers I am working on. What I have discovered is that it is really not about my sister-in-law in the end. It is about spending some good time with my brother. I love that of course. Looking forward to reading your response to even go deeper with this fantastic work. Thank you!

Level 1

Default Model
C: Sister-in-Law
T: She is not a good match for my brother and my family
F: Annoyed
A: I judge her, I judge their relationship, I pity my brother, I look for all the flaws she has, all the things that I believe she does not do or should do, I do not allow her to be herself, I do not see her, I avoid being with them
R: I am not a good match with her

Intentional Model
C: Sister-in-Law
T: My only business is my business
F: Calm
A: I stop comparing and looking back, I let her be, I notice the judgments and repeat: My only business is my business, I do not spend mental time thinking about all the negative things about her and my brother
R: I focus on what I can control: My thinking

Level 2

Default Model
C: Sister-in-Law
T: I do not enjoy spending time with her, her children, and my brother
F: Frustrated
A: I blame her for that, I judge the kids, I pity my brother, I am fake, I pretend, I am not present
R: I am not enjoying the time with them.

Intentional Model
C: Sister-in-Law
T: I want to see my brother more
F: Genuine
A: I decide that I will make enough money to one day fly his family over where we are, I decide to propose that once a year we spend a weekend the 2 of us, I decide to go and see him do his triathlon as soon as we can travel again, I decide to have a chat with him before we spend a weekend at our parents to set the expectations straight on my side and see how he sees things, I decide to let sister-in-law be as she is, I decide to park judgements and be curious and ask her why she thinks this way, why she behaves this way
R: I make a plan to see my brother

Level 3
Default Model
C: Sister-in-Law
T: I cannot be genuine with her
F: Sad
A: I think back at all those moments which could have been much nicer, I dread moments when I will see her or have to talk to her or text her, I wish for a different situation for my brother, I fantasize he will divorce her one day and will find someone better, I criticize her behind her back with other members of the family
R: I am not behaving in a genuine way

Intentional Model
C: Sister-in-Law
T: I can be myself around her
F: Freedom
A: I stop being overly nice, I tell her: When you say this, I think that, when you do this I think that, I set boundaries, I allow her not to like it but love her anyway
R: I am authentic around her

Level 4

Default model
C: Sister-in-law
T: I don’t spend much time with my brother because of her
F: Annoyed
A: I think about all those years where we see each other 1 or 2 days a year, I blame her, I do not try to imagine a different scenario, I am not taking responsibility
R: Blame her for the relationship with my brother

Intentional Model
C: Sister-in-law
T: If I want to spend more time with my brother I can make this happen
F: Empowered
A: I ask him how he would like to spend time with me and the family, if he would like to spend a bit of time just the 2 of us too, I tell him that I would like to see him more, I tell him that I want to come and see him at the triathlon as soon as it’s back on the agenda, I tell him that I want to prioritize that I ask about his potential dates for 2021.
R: I work out a plan to have some fun with him in 2021

Level 5

Default model
C: Sister-in-law
T: I don’t like her
F: Honest
A: I allow the emotion, I allow the thought, I stop blaming her, I stop blaming my brother, I take responsibility for my thinking
R: I do not pretend that I like her

Intentional model

C: Sister-in-law
T: I do not have to like her to spend some good times with my brother
F: Aligned
A: I work out a plan with my brother on how we could see each other and have fun seeing each other this year, I ask him how he sees this, I let him think through, discuss with her, tell him about my constraints and how I see things and what I would like and would not like it to be
R: I connect with my brother.