I am really struggling with my marriage and would like some help on my models. I had an affair several years ago that my husband wants to keep rehashing. He is suspicious of everything I do, including my friendship with a male coworker, whom I adore in a very platonic way. My husband reads my text messages that go onto our computer via icloud. After thw affair I initally said he could do this because I have nothing to hide. But I’m tired of his constant inspection and misinterpretation of my messages (his English is not very strong). I feel trapped and resentful.

Unintentional model:
C – married to my husband
T – I am under constant surveillance. I’m trapped. This isn’t normal.
F – resentful
A – snap or get upset each time he questions my messages/phone calls/etc
R – our relationship worsens; he uses my reactions as an admission of guilt

Intentional model:
C – married to my husband
T – he is hurt by my affair and it’s normal for him to be worried
F – empathy
A – calmly answer his questions, try to allay his fears
R – relationship is more harmonious

This all sounds good on paper but I think I don’t really want to believe or live the intentional model. I want to feel resentful in a way, because I feel like he’s violating a boundary reading my texts. Or is it just my manual for him that says he shouldn’t do this? Can I set a boundary now even though I said several years ago that he could read all my texts?