Marriage & independence


Please would you help me make changes to myself while being in a marriage. I have been a people pleaser and tried to do what others wanted/expected, especially my husband. Pre children, we were both independent and had a lot of freedom. He is a good man, has provided for us all while I stayed at home to look after young children, and has looked after himself by taking on cycling training and challenges. I was left “holding the babies”, felt the usual sleep deprivation & baby-struggles, we moved to a new place for his work, I felt I had to justify time to myself by studying, spent all our holidays with my in-laws, he is much more sociable than me (I am an introvert), and I felt unsupported, somewhat abandoned & upset when I tried to raise my concerns and suggest alternatives but they were written off as unreasonable. Eventually I emotionally distanced myself from him and used food as a constant buffer. I know those weren’t good decisions.

Now I am taking responsibility for my choices and trying to work on my thoughts & feelings. I am starting in a new field of work, which I love and can work around our children, who are now at school. But I feel this simmering resentment & am hyper-alert to feeling taken for granted, and don’t know how to look out for myself without distancing myself from him further. Or how to rebuild bridges when I feel so disconnected. Is it even possible to do both at the same time? How do I reconnect? With a friend, I would be able to have as much space as I wanted, but it feels much less possible with someone I’m living with.

Please can you offer me some help and advice as to where to start? I would like to refind my independence, self respect and power.

Thank you!