I have a recurring T: I married the worst person
It’s ruining my life/marriage to continue thinking it – but the problem is I think it’s a C. I totally believe it
The way it shows up is every time he does something “wrong”, I think it.
And that then leads me to immediately dig up mentally everything else he did “wrong” and compound that latest incident.
But… I do believe it!
Most recent example, this morning, whilst he’s been sleeping in guest room due to having a cold:
C. Husband texts me at 6:01am : “Cuckoo bird going off at 6:00:00, WTF!!”
T. I married the worst person. He is so selfish. He cares about no-one but himself. He’s unbearable. He’s doing it again. (One or a mixture of these)
A. Imagine him aggressively taking our son’s clock off the wall and trying to silence it.
Remember the time that we stayed at my Mum’s house and he went to sleep in the living room on the couch and took their clock off the wall and somehow stopped it from ticking (and didn’t tell my stepfather who was later perplexed at why it suddenly wasn’t ticking)
Think of other times where he has totally thought about himself first – even at the detriment of other people
Worry about his affect on our children. Get annoyed more about my T’s affect on me and then my affect on our children
Worry about him ruining the memory of such a cute gift for our son (he asked for the cuckoo clock for his birthday which was only yesterday, and just loves it – I do not want my husband saying it’s too loud etc)
Later in day look up more info on the cuckoo clock – I knew it stopped making the sound at 9pm but instructions didn’t say when it started again in the morning.
Find out it starts at 6am
Text husband and tell him that and also say the good news is our son wasn’t woken by it (even in his room). I know this because I asked him when I woke him up at 7am
Told him other good news is we don’t hear it from our room (so he won’t when he moves back to sleeping in there again)
Tell him we have option to turn down the cuckoo volume/silence it entirely and change number of cuckoos it makes each hour
Basically I made it my mission to placate husband. Which distracted from what I was wanting to do with my time
Then resent husband even more and see this is a recurring thing that happens and so I blame (internally) him for other things I’m not doing, which then makes me resent him more. Etc.
Don’t consider where my husband’s coming from
Don’t consider that it might very well have been a jokey harmless text (I now know it wasn’t because I just saw a reminder he’s written himself to “fix cuckoo” (meaning make it quiet). Gah.
I am struggling with my R.
I know I can make it an obvious “I make my day unbearable” or something like that.
I don’t think it’s that “I am unbearable towards him” because my response to him was to look up info and then share it with him. Nothing else. Although if he were to suggest going for lunch together or something else right now, I’d say no or “risk” a fight by bringing up the cuckoo clock which he’d be clueless about me feeling upset about.
Although I know that I would find it easier to feel/act more loving to him in energy even if the texts that I wrote were nice.
I suppose it could be “I am unbearable for myself/I make my marriage unbearable”.
Yes. I think it’s that. “I make being married to him, unbearable”.
Would you agree on that result?
Evenso, though, it comes back to my original problem of believing my T: I married the worst husband.
Obviously not just for quietening my parents’ clock or wanting to silence our son’s, haha, but because to me that just sums up how he is of not having a heart. Missing the little sweet things. Considering only himself.
He’ll take naps if/whenever he feels like it (regardless of kids around, Christmas, literally anything)
He’ll be the only person not helping in the kitchen after Christmas meal
I just think of him as entirely selfish. And I’d really like not to. I know I can feel better irrespective of him, but need help thinking of him differently and without making it a conscious effort daily.