First, about the super call yesterday? AH-FREGGIN’-MAZING!!!
Second, when we finished the call, I sat down and did a thought download. I found what I was TRULY thinking when my family doesn’t invite me out with them. It hurt, but the truth is…or shall I say the truth WAS….I was saying to myself that I wasn’t enough. I was less than. I didn’t measure up to what they thought I should be. The crazy thing is, they’ve never said this to me. It’s all MY feelings…MY thoughts…about me. They’ve always been my yardstick and…in my eyes….I’ve never measured up.
That’s the way I’ve felt all of my life. And, I was putting that on them. In turn, that made me actually BE less than what I could’ve always been. And….and…..AAAAAND!!! it allowed me to blame them instead of looking at my own thoughts….about me. Well, let’s face it, not having to blame myself was a temporary benefit. lol
Here’s the thing, I’m not like this with ANYone else in life…just those 4 women!! I couldn’t give a shit if anyone else liked me. I just wanted THEM to.
Well, after all is said and done with our conversation yesterday…and the download after….I’ve officially let it go. I have come to grips that the feeling may come up again, but at least now…I’ll know what to do to practice NOT feeling that way again. It’s going to take practice, but I’m proud that I’ve picked up that damn unicycle and I’m willing to fall 1,000 times…and get back up 1,001! And in THAT…I know I’ll be ok!
Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for showing me how to look at my own brain.
You’ll never know just how epic this is in my life.
With my family…..I’ll be ok! And, I’m ready!