Hi,

I’m having difficulty with my model and I’m hoping you can help. My husband desires sex at minimum twice per week. I desire sex basically maybe once per month or once every two months. He has expressed dissatisfaction with our sex life to me several times over the past several months/years and now we are on a “sex quota” (we have to have sex twice per week). Having sex this often, when I do not want to makes me feel violated, angry and resentful. Then he tells me yet again a few days ago that hes not satisfied by our sex life even having sex twice per week. I am so angry at him for what I interpret as him being so extremely selfish. He doesn’t care whats going on with me. I could be sick, mourning a family member, etc. Doesn’t matter, if its a sex night (we have designated two nights per week as sex nights to be sure we make his “quota”) then he wants it regardless. I am having trouble with my model because no matter what thoughts I substitute it doesn’t change my libido or desire for sex. His thought that he has expressed to me is that sex is his love language and he finds it selfish that I don’t want to do that for him to show him I love him. Personally I think that’s bullshit.

C: my sex life
T: I am required to have sex when I don’t want to
F: resentful
A: withdraw and not want sex
R: I do not want to have sex, yet I do anyways because he wants me to

Intentional model:
C: my sex life
T: My husband loves me, finds me attractive and wants to feel loved through sex
F: Loved
A: Demonstrate love in many aspects of our lives.
R: Show him I love him in other ways, but yet still I do not want to have sex with him, yet I do to meet the quota.

Not sure how I can change the thinking about my sex life to change my thoughts about desiring sex. I just don’t have a sex drive anywhere near his. I don’t want this to end my marriage but I cant continue having sex twice per week, feeling violated and resenting him for it.

Thanks!