I think this is having a manual for another person, but I miss the old version of my husband – and of me with him – the loving, sweetness, commitment, affection, support, caring. Now there is nothing but anger and resentment.
I can show up differently, but he is not interested in that, in talking with me in any way, shape or form, nor in believing I do anything that is not horrible – which is so strange to me.
So I’m guessing the question will be, if your husband (soon to be ex-husband) is going to continue showing up the way he is showing up, what do you want to do?
My first thought is that I don’t want him to keep showing up this way. But I have no control over this and he might keep hating me for the rest of his life.
I think I believe he should not hate me. I think, this doesn’t make sense. I didn’t do anything so awful to him. But I supposed he is allowed to hate me for a big reason, a small reason, or no reason at all.
Where I get confused, is all the things he used to tell me that were so sweet, loving, kind, and spoke of commitment and our future together. Then he had an affair and lied, etc. etc. I’m having the thought, “but you said…” “but you said….”
I don’t know what was real and what was not real.
So if we say there is nothing that was real and nothing that was unreal, it’s all what I think, and since thoughts change all the time, are relationships just kind of amorphous, non-real things that you can’t really rely on, that are just made up in your head anyway?
I guess everything is just made up in our head.
So it is possible to have a truly close or meaningful relationship? I mean I can show up as authentically as I can, warm, loving, kind. I can feel good about how I show up, but since the relationship is all in my head, is it just a figment of my imagination anyway?