Basically, I’m comparing her relationship to mine. I’m in a new-ish relationship too, and I’ve been having doubts about it since the beginning. I often have thoughts like “something is missing” and they come up especially strong when I compare my relationship to hers. I’m 39 years old and I want to get married and possibly have a child, and the scarcity mindset is really strong here. My current boyfriend is smart, very successful, affectionate, loving, and includes me in all aspects of his life. But I’m often bored of our conversation, and I’m jealous that my mom is talking to her new boyfriend on the phone when my boyfriend and I rarely chat on the phone. I’ve been scared to do thought downloads on this because I don’t want to look at the possibility of breaking up with him, but I have to have that on the table, I think.
C: Mom chatting with boyfriend of five months on phone at 11:00 pm
T: Something important is missing from my relationship
F: Doubt. So much doubt.
A: Obsess about my relationship, research what makes relationships happy and work, and compare my relationship to hers and others in my life and on social media
R: I find what’s missing in my relationship
Another one…
C: Mom chatting with boyfriend of five months on phone at 11:00 pm
T: I’m not in love enough
F: Despair
A: I might actually buffer this, now that I think about it. I research why this could be okay, I listen to podcasts and youtube on relationships, I tell myself this is just relationship anxiety, I tell myself that this should be enough for me, I tell myself that arranged marriages are happier so I can make this happy too, I tell myself that all my relationships that had that “it” factor were unhealthy
R: I definitely don’t love what is
Another common thought is:
C: Mom chatting with boyfriend of five months on phone at 11:00 pm
T: This is all there is for me
F: Hopeless
A: Try to convince me I could be happy
R: I don’t find anything else there could be for me
What else keeps me stuck is this belief:
C: 39-year-old single woman
T: I can’t be pleased
F: Defeated
A: No action
R: I’m not pleased
C: 39-year-old single woman
T: There’s nobody out there better
F: Scarcity
A: Stay
R: I find nothing better
But on the same hand, I know I can be happy if I stay and I can be happy if I go. But I’m SO attached to the idea of this relationship that I can’t quite get to being happy if I leave. Another thought is that this is my last shot at a family and kids, so if I leave that door is now closed. This leads to this tormenting model:
C: 39 and single
T: I’m never going to be happy
F: Hopeless
A: Endless rumination and trying to figure it out. Lots of consuming information (buffering). (Huh – I buffer with consuming information. Just realized that. )
R: I’m not happy
I want to believe that I can truly be happy either way and that I am responsible for my feelings of happiness but it is clear to me that I don’t believe that. I’d like to believe that! I also want to consciously decide to be in this relationship because I WANT to, not because I’m scared to leave.
I’m not 100% sure where to go from here and appreciate any insight.
