Could you please help me understand my model better.
C: Mother says stuff
T: How dare she say that. How dare she approve, as if I need her approval. She’s approving as if she knows better. I can’t believe she said it in that all knowing tone. It pisses me off the way she looked at me. etc etc etc etc. out of all the thought download I figured out that all those thoughts must feed into one main belief – I’m not good enough. And her presence triggers it so much. We fight every time she visits. I blame her. She blames me. And so it goes in a circle. I had a counsellor tell me that I’m trying to provoke a reaction that I used to get as a child. Every time we fight she blames me for how she’s feeling(which is what I do as well) and she leaves, which proves to me that I’m not good enough because she is taking off. How can I break the circle? I get such strong emotions when I’m with her that are almost blinding and take over me. I”d like to enjoy time with her.
F: frustrated, angry, pissed off, upset, not good enough
A: fight, be mean, provoke, etc
R: bad relationship with my mom and may be myself
T: I love my mom. ((bridging thoughts:)my thoughts about her frustrated me and that’s ok for now, I am working on it. my brain wants to think that I’m not good enough and wants to find evidence for it when I’m with my mom. and that’s okay. )
F: Conscious of my own thoughts (as response to the bridging thoughts)
A: Observe my reactions with curiosity and kindness.
R: more aware of how I think and why I am reaction that way and so a better understand of myself and a better understand of her may be? less blame on her and more responsibility on me.
I almost seem to do things on purpose that I know will trigger her and get a bad reaction so that I can get that fight out of the way and confirm whatever belief I have in my head and say ‘ see, I told u !, I told u – u think I’m bad! because you left! if I was good, then u wouldn’t leave! if I was good enough u would stay and not get mad at me” meanwhile I pushed and pushed her to a big fight.
pls help! thank you!