My beloved

Just watched the August intro and it spoke so much to me. I’m involved with a man who is in federal prison. 4 months into our relationship, I could tell he was keeping some aspect of his life from me and I kept asking about that. He finally told me he had a legal problem with potential prison time and didn’t know what would happen. At that point I thought most every woman would run far and fast but I love(d) him and I didn’t feel right asking him to trust me and open up to me and then rewarding him for opening up by disappearing. So I stayed in. Also, I felt like he is one of the most kind human beings i have met, who made mistakes and choices I hope I would not have made under the same or similar circumstances but that those choices and his situation don’t define him. It didn’t change who he is inside.

Eventually he was sentenced and is now serving his sentence in a low security federal prison in my hometown area. I’ve stuck with him all this time. In some ways it made our relationship stronger. In some ways it inspired me to finally start going after my 20 year (!!!) dream of being a coach so that I could create a portable business for us for when he is released. Basically I looked for the silver lining in the situation.

He’s been in now for 2 years with potentially 3 more years to go and we’ve been together for almost 4 years. It hasn’t been easy of course and it helps that I’m an independent person. And lately, with the growth I’m experiencing being in Scholars I question whether the person I will have to become to meet my goals will want to be with him if he hasn’t also done some major growth of his own beyond what he’s already done. But really I guess I am getting ahead of myself and I don’t need to figure that out right now. I can cross that bridge if and when I get to a place of feeling that our individual growth (or lack of it) has us too far apart.

But what resonated with me tonight is the statement that it doesn’t matter if you are a victim or a perpetrator, either way, you are worthy. I think about all the friends he has lost who have passed judgement on his actions and his situation and determined they can’t be friends with someone in his shoes.

Really, that statement just warms my heart, because I always thought “are we just supposed to throw away the people in our lives because they are human and they made a mistake? Can we not have room in our hearts and compassion/empathy for the flawed individuals among us?” So thank you for that statement. You rock.

I had been contemplating revealing this situation (and asking for some coaching on my thinking/models on this and former love relationships) in the next modelthon that comes up. August is my 6th month. I don’t know if I have the nerve to reveal myself face to face with you and everyone about this situation. We’ll see.

The wonders of SCS never cease.