My husband has been going through something and is consistently mad at me and our kids. He shuts down, yells, tries to control everything, all the things.

I’ve been working really hard on staying out of his models and letting him process whatever he needs to process because I know that what he does and what he’s getting is based on his thoughts and feelings. The other day he got so upset he left the house, which isn’t a problem. The problem I’m having is that we seem like we are an inconvenience to him. Our boys don’t listen to him, he gets upset and yells. The continue not to listen, he gets more upset, yells more and it just escalates.
I asked him: “Why are we such an inconvenience for you?” He said: “Because none of you mesh with me.” I came back with: “Why does it have to be us not meshing with you? What if it is you who don’t mesh with us?” He said: “None of you think like me, that’s why.”

This has been an issue for him for our entire marriage. He’s mad because “We aren’t on the same page.” “We aren’t listening to him.” “We think to differently.”
He has said those things over and over. I make those mean that something is wrong with me, I need to change so he doesn’t feel that way anymore, he’s never going to be happy with us, we are the source of all his problems.

All of this came to a head for me last night because I’m so tired of feeling like I’m the root of his issues. I’m tired of him being mad that he hasn’t been able to do “what he wants.” And I’m especially tired of him being mad at us all the time and us taking the brunt of his anger. I don’t want to be around him because right now I think he’s always going to be mad and I’m learning its not my responsibility to fix him.

I know there is a lot here to unpack. How can I let him be mad but hold my boundary of not taking it out on us and not accept the blame, he gives, that I’m the root of his problems.
Thank you!!