Oh my. So you coached me live on my “miserable partner” and I took what you said and also did some extra work – and it’s still funny to me how your feelings can completely change without people changing. I was peeving myself because my partner kept mentioning things he didn’t like about various things in our day-to-day lives. I felt sad because I thought “Oh, it’s sad he’s miserable”. After your coaching, I realized that I was using the “negative” comments he made as evidence that he’s miserable. But when I became aware of this – I realized, I ONLY hear his complaints. My brain filters out the 95% of the time when he’s NOT complaining and he’s perfectly happy – or MORE than happy – because I think I accepted “happy” as “normal and non-news”. Like “You should be happy. If you’re not, something is wrong”.
Now – I’m way more aware of the 95% of the time when he’s perfectly happy – and during the 5% of the time he has a “complaint” about something – I use that as a trigger to remember that I’m actually LUCKY … because if we feel good 50% of the time and feel like ass the other 50%, then I lucked out with my partner – because he’s like outwardly happy WAY more than that. I guess I got over thinking I was entitled to feel great all the time… but I didn’t realize I thought I was entitled to a partner who was 100% happy all of the time. (Things that make you go hmmmm….)
PLUS — You did a coaching yesterday where “husbands” came up – and you mentioned Chris doesn’t read and that was an “ah-ha” for me. Here’s why. I love to read. And my thought is/was “If you’re not a voracious reader, something is seriously wrong with you”. My partner does NOT like to read. Since he doesn’t read, I try to shove ideas into his head all the time. He’ll ask me for something – and I realize now that I answer like this… I teach for about 5 to 10 minutes on the basic concept – and then I give him the answer he wanted. It’s like that quote… “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.” So he’s coming to me asking for a fish … and then I launch into teaching him all about fishing, lures, poles, best times to fish, how to find the best spots… and then give him the fish he asked for. He invariably does not listen to my coaching on how to fish … and continues to ask me for fish. I think he is broken. I now realize he is NOT broken. I now realize we may be 2 different people – and he may be perfectly fine the way he is. This is slowly sinking in. It’s also sinking in that all of my “saving my partner” and “helping him” and “making him better” is not wanted or warranted. Instead, it’s probably sending him (and me) the message that “something is wrong with you” – since I’m trying to fix him all the time. What’s wrong is my made-up hallucination … oh, darn it, A MANUAL… is this a manual? Here I thought I’d thrown the manual away and it appears I’ve simply re-namd it “Best Practices” and continued on my merry way. Well, either way, let’s just say he hasn’t changed one iota – but my feelings toward him have. They’re absolutely more loving – and I’m seeing that nothing is wrong with him. 95/5… 50/50… complaints, no complaints… reading, not reading. Just me, upsetting myself about a human who is going about his life – just wanting me to love him. Which is now what I’m doing more of … which has totally changed how I feel … even though he’s still asking me for fish. 😉
Anyway, just an update and a “Thank You” for the recent coaching on husbands. You rock! 😀