So this week I was completely blind sided by something. I have been doing a lot of coaching surrounding my relationship with my mother, and ultimately come to the conclusion (with the help of coaches) that having a relationship with my mom is not authentic or true to myself. I know that she is mentally unstable and although I love her, our relationship is extremely destructive and my reasons for having her in my life were doing more harm than good.
My mom suffers from extreme mood swings, and hasn’t spoken to me in over 8 months (for unknown reasons). Last week I had a very powerful coaching call, where my coach and I dove deep in feeling the pain that I was avoiding. I have never felt my emotions more intensely and did multiple thought downloads. For once I felt at peace with letting go of my mom, and liked my reasons for it. I was also very confused of if I should invite her to my upcoming wedding, but after a lot of coaching and thought work I came to the conclusion that my reasons for inviting her were not true to myself. I was also able to get clarity on this, and not feel so bad for deciding not to invite her (she doesnt know this yet as we have not sent out invites yet)
This afternoon I got a phone call from her and was taken off guard. She called me out of the blue after 8 months of silence and the occasional rude message. She didn’t mention anything about her silence and said that she would like to take me for lunch. This has happened before, where she is in one of her good moods, and then a few weeks in she will return to her bad mood and take it out on me again.
I got a terrible feeling of both guilt and anxiety. I feel like I just got comfortable with the idea of not having her in my life and liked my reasons for it. Now, that she is reaching out to me I feel terrible guilt for wanting to reject her, because I know how the story goes. Having her in my life is like a rollercoaster ride, filled with chaos and uncertainty. One day she is this, next day she is that. I feel terrible and feel responsible for her because she has no one else in her life (she doesnt have friends and my dad and her are only together because they have to look after my brother).
Old thoughts like “There are worse moms out there ” keep coming back. I had coaching on this and now know that that is not a good enough reason.
I have some hope that “maybe this time will be different” when in reality I know it wont change because she has been doing this to me my whole life (one day she calls me and wants to be my best friend, the next day she is slamming phones down on me, spitting on me etc)
This phone call today totally threw me off and I ended up just telling her that I’m extremely busy and will have to check my schedule. I have been feeling anxious and sad the whole day. Anxious because it feels like once again uncertainty is almost entering my life, and sad because I feel guilty for not wanting her in my life. I feel sad that I can’t just pretend and go to lunch with her and act like she is my best friend. I also feel guilty for making the decision to not have her at my wedding, and worry about how she will take the news when I tell her. The saddest thing is: I don’t see how having her in my life will benefit me at all. I feel guilty thinking this, because she did have some good elements and did do a lot for me growing up. I feel like she can’t help her mental illness, but I still can’t be treated the way that I am because of it.
Please help coach me on this. I’m really struggling with this.