First of all, thank you for all that you do and offer. I’ve been soaking up the podcasts like a sponge for about 6 months now, and will be in scholars for May, and am taking in as much as I can on a daily basis.
My question is about emotional abuse. Specifically, narcissistic abuse. The kind that is chock full of gas lighting, verbal and emotional abuse, pathological lying, cognitive dissonance, and general all around and constant mind-fuckery. I was married to someone who came off as Prince Charming but then very slowly and insidiously changed in such vague and obscure ways, and over time, and who lied and deceived and manipulated reality and blamed me for everything, and it really, really, really messed with my head.
I won’t go into too much detail here, but, being with him and in that marriage was one of the most traumatic situations I’ve ever experienced. The cycles of idolize/devalue/discard were so horrible, until I finally became strong enough not to allow them anymore. But, it has left a lot of mental gunk and baggage. I was actually diagnosed with complicated PTSD after it all.
The ways it seems to be coming up now is that a lot of times feelings of panic, dread, fear come up and I’m not actually able to put a finger on a specific thought that causes them. It makes the theory that ‘thoughts cause all feelings’ difficult to apply in those specific cases. The feelings seem very visceral and like an all over body experience. I also have a lot of trouble still with trusting my own mind. I question a lot and sit in indecision a lot, because, I think, I was so often told that up was down, left was right, day was night, and it really took a toll on my ability to be able to trust my own reality. So, being decisive is challenging. I think I may find refuge in the mental fog that I created during the relationship as a protective mechanism.
I could go on, but, I basically would like to know your thoughts on how to apply your program in this specific situation. My intuition also tells me that there are probably a lot of other women (men, too, I suppose) who have experienced this and who may also have some of these same issues. I know you have mentioned in more than one teaching that you work with ‘mentally healthy individuals’, and I’m honestly not sure I’m completely mentally healthy yet. Your program is helping tremendously, but, if there are extra teachings or thoughts you may have that could help, I’d be grateful to know what those are.
Also, I live in Dallas. Do you ever do in person teachings or trainings that are open to the public?
Thanks again, and I will look forward to your response.