I have been in Schlors since August. There have been times when I was doing really well following protocol and managing my thoughts and life and times when I have turned it all off and wallowed in old behaviors. This last month, I have been eating and drinking and shut down. I am ready to come back and practice these tools because they bring me so much peace. This morning I was doing a thought download and I realized that I am terrified about my work situation. I’m afraid that I’m not a good leader, I might be terrible at my job, that people don’t like me and that I’ll probably get fired and be in a terrible financial situation. We have lost several key staff members over the last few months and I am afraid that it is because of me or that people will think it is because of me. I decided to sit with all this in an attempt to not be afraid to feel any feeling.. I then had a huge painful remembrance of when everyone hated me in 3rd grade. I felt the pain, fear and shame from that time and I just let myself cry and cry. Man that hurt, but these are the same thoughts/feelings that I am bringing into my job today. I’m not 100% sure where to go from here. I’m out of practice with models, but I’ll give it a shot.
C- work turnover
T- I’m not a good manager because my staff is leaving and this must mean that they do not like me
F- shame
A- I become self absorbed and try to get them to like me
R- I’m not being a good manager

C- Work turnover
T- we are going through some transitions at work right now and we can come thru this stronger.
F- optimistic
A- talk with staff members about how they are.
R- As a team, we become stronger

The problem is that I don’t believe this last model. I have so much fear that it’s my fault that my brain can’t make the leap.

Alternate thought- I’m open to the possibility that this turnover is organic and not my fault..
F- curious
A- talk with people
R- I get more information

I would love any feedback you have. My pain is tangible around this, but I am committed to feeling what is necessary so that I can move into a different space. I am also recommitting to my protocol starting today. I want to be present with my life and work thru these issues.