I’ve been dating a guy for a couple months, and I’m starting to notice that he bullshits a lot. I know that’s a thought, but let me define it.
I don’t think he’s telling me lies on purpose, but I think sometimes he just says things that aren’t really true in order to make conversation and be agreeable. I can understand this in a public setting especially if someone is nervous or whatever, but after two months of dating I feel like this shouldn’t be happening (I also see this is a thought).
I have a LOT of thoughts / judgments about this.
I’m also having a bit of a hard time getting my C totally neutral.
C: Mike says words that are not factually true, are unclear, are unsteady, or are vague and nondescript
T: He lacks confidence and assertiveness
A: Judge him, poke holes in his arguments to show him I can see that he’s bullshitting, withdraw affection, be a little snarky, feel like I want to meet other men
R: I lack confidence and assertiveness myself when I don’t tell him how I feel, OR when I don’t make a decision to leave the relationship. I act in a way that probably makes him feel less confident and assertive (but, that’s his model)
To be a bit more specific:
C Mike says “my friends tease me for never eating carbs” but he got groceries delivered and there was lots of sugary foods, popcorn, granola bars, bread. (To be clear, I don’t care if he eats carbs. I’m weirded out that he just said he doesn’t when he clearly does. Why would he lie? The answer to that question is either that he lacks confidence, assertiveness, or he’s just not as smart as I thought he was).
T Does he literally not know what a carb is? (Which, I guess is a variation of ‘he’s just not as smart as I thought he was’)
A Notice what’s in his grocery bags, leave early, withdraw, tell him I’m in a mood, wonder if he’s not as smart as I thought, lose respect for him, I laughingly / jokingly point out his carbs
R I’m actually not sure here
C Mike says he is out of salt, and when I ask him if he got more salt, he says he meant bath salt.
T Why the hell wouldn’t he specify that important detail? (He’s not as smart as I thought he was)
A Jokingly laugh it off, and point out that’s an important distinction. Judge him in my mind. Notice all the things he does that annoy me.
R I don’t know again!
Yeah, so it looks like the prevailing thought is that he’s not as smart as I thought he was. That’s a problem for me, I have thoughts that make me feel annoyed. Thoughts like:
He doesn’t understand me
We are totally not on the same page
This isn’t attractive
I am going to be very annoyed by this in the future
These are all models in and of themselves!
I’m not entirely sure where to take this. He has a lot of very nice qualities as well, but the thought “he doesn’t understand me” and “we are totally not on the same page” make me feel disconnected from him. I’m definitely frustrated and not sure exactly what to do.
Very much appreciate the insight.