So I have been indulging in confusion for a long time about whether to return to working more seriously on learning to stop buffering with food and I realized in journaling that I just need to decide what I want to try next and then commit to that. It doesn’t matter so much whether I decide to stop buffering with food cold turkey and stop all flour, sugar, and snacking at once, or if I decide to take the equally painful slow route of just starting with baby steps.

I decided on the latter for now since right now I can’t bear the thought of going ALL IN on a good food protocol and then 1. likely ending up disappointed in myself when I eventually am not perfect and go off of protocol once 2. When I don’t know what to do for enjoyment instead, since right now eating sugar is my predominant hobby.

So I decided that even though my brain wants to criticize me for taking the “slow” route to change, I will try allowing myself all this week to eat whatever I want off of protocol but only if I decide on the portion size and serve that and put it aside for the duration of 10 minutes set by a timer, and that during that time I write at least one model describing what is going on for me.

Perhaps I am just looking for reassurance that this is okay or a good move. I am hoping by taking this miniature step that I will by the end of the week have strengthened my “ability to feel negative emotions” muscle and be able to increase it to a 20 minute, and 2 models requirement next week. This way my brain can’t feel like it’s not allowed to have something, just that it has to learn to get better at delayed gratification.

On Friday (5/29) I will post a follow up exploring what I have learned from this week’s experiment- I’m just writing this here to hold myself accountable!

Also, can I give myself an urge jar bead every time I feel like I allowed and slightly diminished the urge even though it’s still there? Or can I only earn a bead if I make the urge go away?