New realization

So sorry this is going to be a bit long.

So here’s what I’ve learned this past month journaling before bed and with morning thought work — I think I’m afraid of success.

I’ve always thought it was all fear of failing but not so much.

Sure I feel like maybe I’ll look kinda stupid and freak out when things don’t happen the way I hoped but there’s this bigger sense of anxiety for when they DO happen.

March Thought Is – I am capable of making $100,000 in my business (so many of us working on this one)

What I keep writing is thoughts like

– “ I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it”

– “ I don’t have what it takes”.

-“I’m not motivated enough”

-“I’m just so lazy”

-“I’m not doing enough”

-“I lack the energy required”

I know I can truly make shit happen by just doing the work and showing up daily.

But sometimes I don’t think I’d know wtf to do if shit DID work out like I planned.

I do feel secure in my job (although I know security comes from thought not circumstance) but I wouldn’t be too worried if I quit today because I’ve been with so much less and have been fine.

I’ve always figured out a way to have somewhere to eat and sleep.

Plus ya know, family is there if I REALLY needed help.

I wouldn’t want that to happen but wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world cause I know how to get back on my feet.

But, success, with money ? More than I’ve ever had ? Being a leader/authority in something? That’s new territory.

So I find myself looking at every single reason why I’d suck at being a business owner and coach. (Confirmation bias)

So I completely down play everrrrrything.

Any little thing I try is “not enough” or I procrastinate which leads me to “see you’re just not disciplined, you suck”.

Thinking about success and having the things I dream about — feels like a huge identity shift (growth, which I know is the point lol)

I feel like after the excitement of getting to where I want to go in the next year I’d then be completely overwhelmed with it all.

Interesting this mindset work is.

This is some serious work.

I’m proud of myself for being open enough to understand and uncover all of that I’ve learned about myself through scholars.

Still trying to process all of that and work through it.

I’m doing my best not beat myself up for holding myself back this whole time because of these thoughts.

There’s some clarity and sadness to this.

Like I’m going to lose myself and not know what to do with the NEW ME.

Guess it’s okay to feel that mourning.

Anyway, thank you for reading and for this work.

Here are my alternative thoughts that I’m unsure what to do with.

– I can create whatever emotion I want with my thoughts
-I’m doing exactly the right amount with where I’m at with my thinking
-I’m willing to show myself that I do have what it takes
-I’m capable of doing this even when I don’t feel like it