I wrote last month that I’d stop buffering soon.
So now, I am not buffering in any way (mostly), and this is a great opportunity for me I am sure, but I need help. I think this is the best month for me because I am willing to work on changing my story, and a lot of what is coming up for me is Story beliefs.
I am now taking time off work for a few weeks, not overeating or overdrinking, and I am exercising, training my dog, playing piano, not really socializing (and that’s OK for now). I want to re-write the story of my life up until now. I am 59. I want to make the next 25plus years the most awesome best years ever and I truly feel it is possible, esp given how much I have learned about being human and how much I have grown as a human.
But, so much is coming up for me. Dark side thinking/feelings. And I have given up (temporarily) to try to change them. I am feeling some relief by looking at them. Feeling loss, grief, “dire inadequacy”, insecurity. I am allowing myself to feel what I feel.
Here are my thought downloads that are bringing me pain and I’d like to understand how to revise them. I believe in CTFAR and in the law of attraction so I definitely am motivated to change them…Please give me hints how to revise my Story…
-I have never truly succeeded at anything I’ve done. (This means I have never done consistently A+ at work. More like A to B- according to my assessment. Never been considered a “star”. I have been considered Solid.)
-I am a loser- (dark side exaggeration because I am not a Star according to the outside world and I have no family of my own, no strong set of friends)
-I have failed at my goals. (I wanted to have more breakthroughs in my career. I wanted my friendships to last and grow deep. I wanted (and worked on) a love relationship that did not flourish as I’d hoped. And this does not include relationship mistakes I made in my 20’s and 30’s).
-I brought a weak personality to work (half the time my fear stopped me)
-Noone other than me loves me.
-I am not lovable by anyone other than me
-My life is empty and meaningless
-I am not coordinated
-I spent more than half my time on self development and therapy rather than living life
-My brother has never respected me (because I have never been a star, or because I make mistakes, or because I do not seem self confident, or because I have goofy facial expressions, or because he is a star)
-My sister is better off without me (because I am too much for her, she is conservative and quietly internal, I am casual/spontaneous and highly emotive)
-I am not a good dog handler and I have a border collie (this means that when I make mistakes I can easily condition the wrong behavior)
-I am too quick to temper, too needy, too spontaneous, have some goofy mean facial expressions
-I am seeking the direction I should go next
-I used to be super hard on myself but not anymore, I love myself and am loving to myself very much , altho I still run into trouble with projection when I perceive no one else likes me
when thinking of changing my story
-Should I keep the facts (the “failed” relationships and friendships with the good, bad and ugly)
-The work (with my breakthroughs and the weaknesses I brought)
How shall I proceed
Do I re-write in terms of how all this has served me- each relationship, each work event – that currently feels like a negative?
For example. Perhaps I can believe that I have always been a Star in my life, in relationships and in my work, given how I’ve never given up on anything and anyone, I always have been seeking self improvement, understanding my self, life and others, I have learned unconditional love and acceptance, and the courage to face fears. I’ve always faced my life head on. Perhaps the struggles with my sense of adequacy in relationship and work were there to teach me courage, strength, persistence, ultimately how to love myself and others unconditionally, how to be an awesome friend to myself and others, and how to evolve. If things came easy I would never have grown into who I am today and who I will be tomorrow
Gosh that feels better already
Any other hints or guidance greatly appreciated
Thanks very much
